My Necessary Truth
Before I get into this, I want to let you know that I took a moment to say thank you and a small prayer for the beautiful soul who (without knowing until I told her) allowed me to crack open my heart on this topic. A topic I’ve been sitting on for a year. I feel she illuminated a path for me, and has helped me remember my pair of lady balls and can now share publicly.
I been living in old paradigms and beliefs, and it has taken me up until the last week or so to really realize what it has done FOR me.
2018 has been profound. I stepped into my-self, looked around and had a breakdown or 3, over what in the actual f*ck was going on.
I had been imprinted with so much of everyone else’s stuff that I was exhausted. I no longer knew what was mine, what was yours, and what was from 4 lifetimes ago. It was muddy, messy and nasty.
In my friendships/work/passion/soul mission, as Heather showing up ~ I’m probably going to spend time inviting you to consider that a lot of what you think you know is bullsh!t, because it’s not coming from YOU. I’m probably also going suggest that certain practitioners will only continue to perpetuate the issue or problem you think you have.
If you’re not ready to hear this truth, you’re welcome to stop, or keep going and take what you like and leave the rest. I’m giving you this piece of my soul today. Because it is uncomfortable, it’s different, and I feel is necessary.
My friend took a dive into her inner self and started to share her experience, and I have been dancing with things myself for about a year. I kept it primarily to my-self because I feared being judged and “hung out to dry” if I spoke my truth. Yet, certain people didn’t fear living in or sharing theirs AT me, and they continued under a veil of various facades, that until I knew what was going on… left me feeling empty, alone and ashamed.
Ashamed because I “spent all that money”. Alone because until I started to talk to my nearest and dearest trusted ones, I wondered how could I “not” be “better” with this or that person’s teachings. Empty because “it didn’t work”.
It has taken me a year, a YEAR to get to the point in the last week that forgiveness is so in my heart, as well as being furious. Furious because I didn’t get what I thought I was paying for, but I certainly got what I needed. My dear friend, and beautiful mentor Jason calls these ‘Unorthodox Blessings’. Furious because I’m so tired of the mind games and advice that is getting handed out in a time when practitioners are a dime a dozen and their paradigms and healing hasn’t even begun. Yet, forgiving because I too was there. I too worked from old paradigm. I too felt I had to do certain X Y Z things in order to “help”. Now in this moment, I also feel gratitude. Gratitude that I am able to bring this to the page today. Gratitude because for the first time in my entire life, I can stand up and be a clearer version of me. Gratitude because it has cracked things wide open this morning.
On micro and macro levels, I was a beautiful sheep I followed the crowd. Until I woke up and realized something wasn’t right.
Sit for a moment and think about where you may be shleeping. Think of the people in a spiritual community, or business community, or whoever you follow for a moment. Let’s say, for argument sake, that it is a breeding ground that creates and continues to perpetuate stories and paradigms ( don’t worry about good/bad right now).
Now, try this on. Knock on the door of your soul, and listen to the truth in there. Have you been feeling restless, out of sorts, and thinking something is wrong with you? Perhaps some headaches or dietary shifts. A little… “off”? So what do you do? You call up that “go to” choice, get your dose of whatever medicine (pill or energetic) they are serving, hop off to your day, and then you feel like a bag of sh!t again. Have you ever questioned this cycle?
I’ve been “around the block” for roughly 15 years with various healers, practitioners, mentors and coaches from the spiritual community, as well as, let’s container this and say the traditional mental health field of our social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists.
I have a rather vivid knowing of what’s gone on in my life, as well as what’s been shared with me from others.
Please understand, we cannot be fooled unless we want to let ourselves be fooled because that’s more comfortable. Yep. I know that might sting.
I chose being fooled often, because I didn’t know there was another choice. Then, I was spoken to, and I heard many things. But the simplest thing was…
Just because someone is visible and has a mass following, who shows up and appears to blaze a trail; does not make them a good fit.
BUT THEY HAVE 9MILLION Followers THEY MUST BE THE BEST, I need to get on that train! But when you dig in, just a bit, you’ll see that many of our “go to” choices are operating from limiting beliefs. It could be their drive for financial security, their sense of self worth and fulfillment – but you’ll keep going to them. Why? Because they are the popular choice. What’s popular, isn’t necessarily good. Remember what I said earlier? You go get your “fix” and feel like sh!t again soon after?
I’m telling you right now, hand on heart, it’s because it isn’t in alignment with your integrity. If your entire BEING is unhappy. There is a reason it is unhappy. It could show up as a sleepless night, headaches, lack of focus, dietary shifts, mood swings. All the stuff you blame on things like the beautiful moon, or the guy who cut you off, or the argument with your spouse. Has nothing to do with any of it. It has to do with your alignment to self.
This specific practitioner is not in alignment with themselves, you are not in alignment with yourself. So you come together in mis-alignment and create an energetic sh!tstorm and feel worse afterwards.
When it IS in alignment, there is no screaming mad rush to “GET MORE” from “that person”. I know sounds simple, but it is that simple. When you “want more”, in a healthy helpful clarifying, heart felt and soul-led way, it is much different than the addictive cycle and spin things take when it is “not so good” or out of alignment for us.
Think of the alignment on a car.
The common signs that you are dealing with wheels with poor alignment:
Vehicle pulling to the left or right.
Uneven or rapid tire wear.
Your steering wheel is crooked when driving straight.
You are the car. Are you feeling pulled in opposite directions? Does your body feel exhausted? Do you feel like everything is going one way and you’re going the other way? Are you screaming and squealing a lot?
If your alignment practitioner isn’t helping you come into alignment, something isn’t right.
2018? My vehicle (me) was coming INTO alignment. It’s been rough. Try driving a car that is out of alignment, or lost power steering. (there’s another post coming for that topic)
Sidebar: OF course the year has had some brilliant beautiful glorious moments, but holy sh!t batman it’s also been a rough go on the inner work side.
But here I am.
All of this to say; I’m inviting you to take a closer look inward. Be ready and willing, to consider soul-led living, rather than existing, or just going with “what’s comfortable” in the short term.
It was an entire year of not feeling not good enough, smart enough or knowing enough to be able to show up fully thinking that someone else needed to show me the ropes. The ropes I was shown? Sent me spiralling into depression and anxiety. I haven’t felt anxiety since I was 22 years old! It was absolute soul-suicide for me and I’m so f*cking grateful for the snippets of sanity that some of my nearest and dearest trusted confidants and my incredible, brave and humble, soul-partner, spirit-mate, love, best friend, hubby, White Eagle for being here in this beautiful awesome life with me. Holding space and loving me when I was feeling so unlovable and unworthy.
I know there are those of you who are close to the edge with your soul and choices, and I know you’ll be better than okay. I also know that the foundation will crumble of those out of alignment and integrity.
This is not fortune telling – this is soul speak.
Your soul knows.
Please, start listening.