For a very long time, it was difficult for me to be honest, vulnerable and authentic. I was raised in a way that you didn’t share your struggles with anyone, you wore a mask and if anyone asked you the truth about anything you lied.
In my early twenties I was able to break free from these beliefs for a brief moment. I had a good run of being a little bit more “me”. Until one day an old friend I had recently reconnected with made a comment to me about having “gone soft”. She had also pointed out to these other individuals we were with that when she first met me I was skinny and “look at her now”. Quite the friend indeed.
This lead me down a path of going back to hiding my truth and wearing the mask. For almost another 10 years I would avoid my authenticity. I wouldn’t be me. I would bury her, repeatedly, time and time again. Whether it be through various avoidance tactics or mistreating myself in some way. I was lost. In a moment of what I still believe to be divine intervention, I was given a choice, I could die this way, or rebuild my whole life my soul.
I’m writing this, so you know what my choice was.
A handful of years later, I continue this journey of deeply knowing myself. It seems that there are months that I discover more truths about who I am and what I want, or don’t want. People talk about the mid-life crisis, the existential crisis, the concept of finding yourself or whatever other catch-phrase of the decade it is. I remember these being shameful phrases in the past when I would hear the adults talk this way.
What I’ve learned is that these are just phrases people need in order to capture what another person may be experiencing. My truth is, I continually try things, until I find what aligns. So to some, it may appear that I’m continually finding myself. It could be an aspect of my business, my food choices, the people I spend time with, the books I read, where I choose to live, or which street I decide to take on any given day. It could be a self-care practice, what I write, or whether or not I just sit in a dark room with a salt lamp and let things fall away.
I can’t stay static. I can’t ignore my soul. Change is necessary. I don’t know what it looks like, or how it will unfold, but I know when I woke this morning that resisting whatever it is, will dishonour my soul and delay me on my journey.
If you’re continually finding yourself, I offer this, I’m trusting it’ll all work out as it should, no matter how terrifying it feels right now, it’ll be better than we can possibly imagine.
