I feel like all I’ve shared lately is how month after month has been so challenging. How things don’t feel smooth. That no matter how hard I pray, write, meditate, ask, journal and hang with my Guides the Elders and the Creator, nothing balances out or brings me peace. I have snippets of moments, but who I am has slowly been realigning, and where I went wasn’t so fun but it is all necessary. I’m deepening into my truth, and so today, I’m sharing a little bit of the dark with you. Layer after layer, I know I will rise, but before I rise, I lay here in the mud.
Here I sit, completely as I am knowing that this is all part of the process. Knowing that I’m one of those people who feels very high highs and very low lows. I decided to share a dark corner of my being with you today, it may repel some and it may draw others in, either way, just follow your heart.
I sit with how I feel everything I have attempted to do has not been “good enough”. Take this morning for example. I woke at 5 as always, then decided to lay there for a moment and breathe in some positive vibes to start my day. I decided to visualize some lovely ideas and pretty scenery, but instead, I got bad vibes, anger and disappointment. I watched a horror movie of everything unfolding and falling apart before me. My business, my relationship, my home, my body, my life. It all crumbled. Talk about an epic fail at visualization, or was it? Maybe everything needs to die, before it can be fully alive again. Somewhere in there I fell asleep again.
When I finally woke again at 8, my stomach was screaming, so as I sat in the bathroom in agony for what feels like the 100th time this week, I thought to myself how much of a dark space I’ve been in. How everything I’m viewing as of late is filled with disappointment, challenges or in ways I’d prefer to be different.
Stuck in that perpetual cycle of “not good enough”, I even thought how just a few hours before I couldn’t even visualize or meditate right! I mean really? Who the hell lays down to visualize and ends up with a horror movie unfolding in their mind? Who does that? Apparently I do. Probably an old life wound still clinging by a talon because of the creations I’ve had of always watching the other shoe drop just as things get good.
I don’t know what all of this is about with me, I’m not going to pretend to draw the beauty out right now either, because sometimes sitting in the dark space is what’s needed for us to learn. If I don’t sit here long enough, then I will lose the lesson, and I’ll have to go through it again. I know I certainly don’t want to experience this again.
Some of the things I have extracted so far, that I will share, is all of the things I’m looking at as not good enough, are an outward expression of how I feel about myself. That I’m not doing enough. I’m not showing up enough, I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t know when I decided to manifest this lesson in all it’s glory, but the truth is “not good enough”, energy has been with me for a very long time. It’s a cord I’ve yet to cut. I’m pretty sure that when I’ve tried, it’s reattached itself, again proving I’m not good enough to cut the cord.
So, since I value people owning their shit, I decided to own mine. I’m not a fan of bullshitting people, and so I’m sure you’ve also seen me retract, shrink and get quiet. Or you’ve seen me share some of my process. I bring myself to you, not-good-enoughness and all, honestly and completely