It has been quite some time since I used the word divine when describing about how I felt when I woke up in the morning. Today, of all days, that’s how I felt. Never in my history have I ever woken up on the morning of the spring ahead time change with the clocks, did I not grumble, ache, moan and complain about losing an hour.
So what makes today different? Am I different? Has a year changed me that much? Has my enthusiasm for life shifted immensely? Am I finally…dare I say it… living?
All these questions come through my mind like the Boom! Pop! Pow! in the old batman cartoons in the 80s. Then quickly fade. I love that these questions come up because my reflective side needs them. I’ve never been a fan of looking back at life. I’ve never enjoyed the process of uprooting old stories, or trauma to heal them decades later. Really, who wants to re-feel pain and suffering? Of any kind. Like paper cuts but on your soul. Yes! Let’s do this! Said no person ever. But when you’re immersed in your healing, and you work with incredible guides, practitioners, you become accustomed to knowing how to observe rather than re-feel the things as they come up, learn from them, and release. It’s beautiful really.
Lately, as amazing and joyful as my life has been, it’s also been exhausting. I’ve been covering new territory. I’ve been changing my life, one historical fable at a time. Some lessons are easier, some not so much. For me, I have to remember that this time around, I can choose how I want to feel when I look at situations and memories. I seek for the lesson. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.
I look up in the cold, dark morning sky and that March full moon stares back at me. I’ve been sitting here in her light and glory for about a half hour. I feel charged, ready, and powerful. Something shifted in me over night. I haven’t the slightest idea what, or how to articulate it, but the energy that greeting me this morning imprinted me with the word divine. This is an epic way to wake up, but it also amuses me. You see, I wake up just as easily some days feeling like shit. Trust me. So when divinity happens, I spring out of bed and feel her glory. It isn’t easy to have the dial set to positive. It isn’t always easy to feel joyful, or choose to feel a level of okay-ness that gets us through the day. It’s taken me WORK to get here. I have rewired so much of my life, and myself that when I have those days that I feel less than divine, no matter how far down the pendulum swings, it can feel agonizing, because I KNOW how good I CAN feel.
Let’s take two days ago for example. Literally every single thing that could have gone sideways did. I don’t mean fancy awesome artsy sideways for decorative purposes. I mean, everything from dealing with bad attitudes, to demanding humans, to mix ups, melt downs and everything in between. Everything that I thought might have been wrapped up in the last couple of months, has resurfaced and is still on hold, incomplete or somehow being delayed.
This makes me irate. There is no need for things to be this difficult! But they are. Damn it. They just are sometimes. Which makes me MORE irate. Love light and butterflies turns into hate, dark and fuckerflies. Then I remember, oh right, life, curveballs, and I decide that I’m going to spend the next 48 hours binging on Netflix and reading, I’m not even going to write. Not one word. Nope. It is done. Oh and there better be a bunch of junk food waiting for me too, because I’m not doing this weekend without it.
As I settle in on Friday night, my favourite junk comfort food on deck, Kraft Dinner, hey don’t judge, it happens. My world shifts. My sweet man surprises me with the news that he’s off work the next day, which is a very rare thing for a Saturday. He suggests we go to the car show at the International Centre. I respond with a “fuck yeah!!!” Suddenly, I was back in business. Life was great and I was on top of the world again. In less than 12 hours I’d be seeing the man I love so deeply AND classic custom vehicles. My two favourite things in one place at the same time. Throw in some chocolate and voila, orgasm on command! Okay maybe not that far, but I’m going for impact here. Is it working?
So how do I go from irate and hating everything, to popping out of a bad mood like a kid in a bouncy castle? Well, we all have bad days. We all have good days. It’s in the moments of the bad days, that we need to find something that will allow us to embrace it. The way I embrace bad days know is to identify them as such and then I surrender. I had surrendered to the idea that I was going to hunker down with my blankets all weekend, take hot baths, drink tea, smudge, pray, meditate, write and just dive into my soul away from everybody and everything. I let go of all outcomes, all expectations, and I let my Friday night become what it needed to become. Although some will see my consumption of junk food as un-loving and un-self-care-ish, to me, it was a decision to live in that moment and that’s what I chose. Any choice that I make, in a loving way, rather than in a “oh I’m going to regret this way”, IS self-care. It is deeply loving to honour the call of what I felt in that moment. Within about three hours of me settling into the surrender of the dark zone, along came my little light. I don’t know why I say little, because he shines so brightly, just like the vastness of the full moon that I breathe in at this moment, while these words land on the page.
Surrender. Divinity. Love.
Surrender meant calling that day what it was, a messy chaotic mess, but also trusting that on the other side of it, maybe right in the middle of it, love would find me, and shows me, it really was going to be okay. Love of course is anything and everything. In this instance, it was a surprise from my partner. It could be an invitation to an event, to a puppy greeting me on the street, to a surprise gift in the mail, to a phone call from a favourite friend. It could be something big, it could be something small, but whatever it is, and however it shows up in your life, treasure it. Treasure every last drop of that love that has arrived, let it elevate you, hold you close, and remind you of the beauty of surrender, and let the divine shine.