This isn’t about playing victim or laying blame, this is just how it was. I’ve done a lot of healing and reconciling around that, but that was the reality, and actually still is for many people.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll just say that it took me five years to talk to my doctor about how I felt after my first anxiety attack, I was prescribed medication for it, saw a Psychiatrist, was never officially diagnosed with depression, and eventually got suicidal. My mid-teens to my mid to late 20s was a daily roller coaster ride. Yes, mostly from feeling like I didn’t belong, because I didn’t, but I had to grow through those times, in order to get to where I was headed.
Reflecting back, I now understand those moments to be me having no one around who resonated with my soul truth at that phase in my life. I didn’t even resonate with my own soul. It was a constant battle for me. My actions were so low frequency that I was completely out of alignment with my truth. Keep in mind at that point I didn’t even have language to explain this, I just felt, off, which is why I was so depressed and suicidal.
So how did I manage to survive the last 10 years since my decision of wanting to die or find a new path? Well, to start with, it was suggested that maybe I go back to school. So in September of 2009, I took the first step of aligning with my soul path, and studied addictions. Yep, it jumped off the page from the course catalog and as I recall it, was probably one of the first times I ever really deeply “saw” something for more than what it was. This lead me down a road of self discovery, and taught me so many things about life, myself, and others.
It also continued to teach me about my family.
Why do you want to help *those* people? Couldn’t pick something else? You better not psycho-analyze me. So you think you’re better than us because you’re an addictions counsellor? You can’t make that your only focus Heather. It must get boring to only have that one thing in your life. What they didn’t know, and what I probably am only realizing now as I write this, is that one thing, changed the direction of my life forever, and the hell I went through to take those steps, I will be forever grateful. Working full time and having class 3 nights a week, got be back to my soul, it lit me up, I blossomed, and I’m sure it saved my life.
But, on it went. The slippery slope of rejection, disapproval, and me taking one action step after the next, to step into my soul path. This was only the beginning step, and to this day, I continue to hear the odd comment or backhanded remark about my choices, my beliefs and how I choose to live my life today. It is VASTLY different than anyone I knew in my family as I was growing up, and it has taken me a while to accept that that’s okay.
But damn, it was hard. To be that different one.
So how did I do it? How did I deal with those beliefs about family that were drilled into me? It took some time but over the years, this is how it unfolded. I started to fight back when people expected that I should/shouldn’t do something. I get a good mean face and angry tone when I do that too. I get a little.. unicorn-stabby. I get cutting, and nasty. Eventually I realized that although that became my protective mechanism, it didn’t make me feel so great. It worked while it worked, but then I decided to try a different way. I tried to explain things differently when asked; where I’d been for X number of years. I started to make excuses like, I’ve been busy, things just get so crazy, one minute it’s Christmas, and the next minute it’s Summer. I had a master list of go-to reasons whenever anyone would ask what had happened on such and such weekend and why I couldn’t attend.
Although it may have been lying, I knew I couldn’t fight anymore, but I also knew that I really had to find a way to preserve myself in those moments whenever they happened.
The lying didn’t feel good either though. Even though they again were a tool to protect myself, I eventually just got silent with certain people if they asked anything I didn’t feel like answering. I learned that “no” was a complete sentence.
My world, my reality, my truth was all coming together even though it felt like it was falling apart. I realized how soul sucking it was to be around certain people.
Did it suck? Yes. Was it fun? No. Did it slowly become the new normal? Yes. Am I happy, healthier, and more soul aligned because I tell people I’m an orphan who was found under a rock? (kidding..) but yes. I am.
Eventually, after another decade+, I sit here writing this, remembering how awful it felt to lay on my couch, in the basement I lived in, and wonder what was happening at a wedding, or a function of some kind. Which I now realize was my addiction to my fear of missing out. I think the cool kids call that FOMO these days.
I knew though, how sensitive I was to the company I kept. So, I chose me, just as I continue to choose me.
Let’s say you have that “Strange Aunt”, who never married, moved to a cabin in the woods, and no one has heard much from in 7 years. That strange aunt is probably the one who has it figured out. She’s not out there finding herself, she’s getting the heck away from all the misaligned company! I’m only sort of joking, think about it.
When you clear your life of people who don’t resonate, you make room for people that do. I know that this may go against the grain of the “family is everything” believers, and that’s okay, because if that works for you, I’m honestly grateful that we get to experience different realities when it comes to our families.
I hold no resentment, no anger, and no unfinished business, that I know of at this point in my life and healing, towards my family. It took me time to get there, but I did. Do I get sad sometimes that things aren’t different? Or better for certain people in my family? Yes of course, but that’s because I’m an empath, a believer and an Intuitive who knows just how divine life can be, if you embrace it.
The family is a challenging one at best, but believe me, you really can choose differently for yourself.
Next Up? The Company We Keep ~ Chapter 3 – Friends. Which may be more than 1 round, I haven’t started it yet. That would be un-living-in-the-moment-of-me. So for now, I’ll just say, it’s coming, and I’m looking forward to seeing it when it arrives.