I thought it would be a good morning to get myself back into the routine of writing and sharing my heart with you again.
Many of you know I self-title-identify with Intuitive Healer, Writer, and Spiritual Guide. For those that didn’t, hi! Welcome to my world.
These titles are a guideline for a business card or when someone is introducing me.
The Intuitive Healing part is so multi-layered and expansive, that it’s impossible to capture it, but I’ll give you a bit more to go on to also appease my educator self.
A Channel – I receive information from a higher consciousness.
A Seer – I am shown visions that have happened, but that will also happen in the future.
An Oracle – I offer advice, that is from a higher consciousness that is often considered odd or ambiguous, and then it eventually will make sense.
I am clairsentient – meaning I have clear feeling. I feel everything, always. I feel energy, this is how I read people, places and yes even things.
I am also claircognizant – which means I have clear knowing. I just “know” things. Things that do not have logic.
Yesterday during a near-accident that turned into a non-accident, I was mid-reflection. I do a lot of processing and healing when I drive. It’s also when my creative flow is at it’s peak.
I was thinking about how I’ve been feeling dead inside. How the pain had returned to my body on a physical and emotional level in the last few months, and when that happens I know it’s time for some big shifts and changes. Here we grow again!
When things need to change for me, my anxiety spikes, my depression rears her beautiful head, and I hurt. All. Over. Stiffness, headaches, muscle weakness, foot pain. You name it.
It’s my soul’s cry for help, because she isn’t being heard, nourished, or allowed to show up in her fullness.
The other week, my love and I went for a walk through the forest. I barely made it 10 minutes in, and I couldn’t take another step. The sheer pain in my body was enough to make me lean forward, hands on knees and sob in pain and tears.
Every ounce of whatever I had left got cried out on the walk back to the car. I wasn’t in pain due to lack of fitness or muscle strength, it was all the energy I’ve been holding around this “dead inside” feeling.
A feeling I know intimately well. A feeling I have worked with for decades. It’s not an ‘I want to die’ thing, because I don’t, it’s an “I can’t live like this” thing.
My Soul/Spirit gets really loud, and this is what she does to me when things need to change. It’s okay, I’m used to it, no need to worry honestly, it’s just part of my experience here.
Now, for those of you who may not know me as well as some folks reading this, this is where it may get even more weird for you as you read this. Stick with me though okay? I promise it’ll be good.
The Umbrella Academy is a show on Netflix that hubby and I got into recently. It’s quite good, and it stirred something in me.
The show of course is entertainment, but in my mind, and me knowing what I know, I believe there is always some amount of truth, in everything. There are a couple of characters that absolutely moved me, and I mean moved me to tears. I don’t want to give anything away in case you decide to watch the show.
On Sunday, I attended my dear friend Truly Medium’s event, where she, with extreme grace, realness and passion, channels dead people. As a Medium, this is her gift, and she’ll be the first to say that’s her job.
As you can imagine, her and I have had many…… wait for it.. Spirited talks… since we’ve known one another in this “human form”. She has validated a lot for me, she’s been at her work a lot longer than I have publicly, and in some way I see it as she’s given me permission to show up and do what I do, no matter what.
Something happened to me sometime last year, I can’t quite pinpoint when it was or what exactly transpired, but I shut down part of my gift(s).
What a disservice this was, but it had to happen so I could take care of me. What needs to be said here, is that it is extremely emotionally, mentally and physically demanding to do this work that I do. I completely underestimated the strength I would need to do it.
Like, this stuff does not come with a manual. There is no, “Intuitive 101” prep course. But, there may be soon. (wink)
I still provided the services I provide, and offered the guidance, and do all-the-things, but I kept myself behind a barrier that was more than protection from the day to day. I also scaled back the amount of channeling work I did because that is what cause the deepest exhaustion. When your body is being used by a higher consciousness to channel information, you really do need some kind of superhuman strength. I don’t say this to boast, I say this to educate, because this is not common information that’s shared.
Aspects of my ability and gift shut down, because my body, emotions and mind couldn’t take it. My spirit of course was good to go, but in my human skin suit, I wasn’t strong enough.
My body wasn’t ready yet to do what it needed to do. So I burned out, a few times. Silently to most, but my inner circle knew. (Thank you, you know who you are, I love you).
So, I had to shut it down. I had to build my strength back up. I had to see where my capacity was and energy needed to be.
Also remember before I started running my business full time, my life was me spending 20 years in the corporate with lawyers and engineers, in addition to my studies, secret healing practice and the addiction world. Of COURSE I was going to fall apart, in order to fall back together.
In addition to that, I wake up daily and know, there are people judging, not believing, and waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to give up and stop.
Now let me tell you, that plays on you. No matter how incredible your cheering squad, followers, and supporters are, knowing that there are also people out there who think you’re a circus act waiting for the implosion, really gets the Ego going at times.
After saying it twice out loud to my love this past week, that I shut down my gifts, and I’m ready to fully embrace them and show up with them all again, I’m now doing one of the things I know I do best, which is to write, and share.
Share because I know someone needs to hear this. Share because I need to hear it. Share because that’s what writers do. We bleed on the page, trusting that the words land where they are most needed.
As I come to a close on writing this, my Bose speaker just announced “Battery low, please charge now”. So, if you’ll pardon me, I too need to recharge.
If you have a gift, please do what you can to embrace it and show up for your-true-self, if you’re here, I know it’s because the world needs you.