We are fast approaching the new year. A time when many look forward to fresh starts and beginnings. I too used to fall into this category.
Much like every other year, I’m noticing that people are harping on how 2019 was and how happy they are to see it go. I’m also noticing that it’s the same people, with the same problems, year after year. Also, old me.
When I was stuck in the paradigm of thinking about that new year new me … stuff … I realized that there was one common element that was going from one year to the next.
I take myself everywhere I go. It doesn’t matter the day on the calendar, the time on the clock or anything that’s going on around me. There is no geographical cure, escape or thing – that will unhinge me from me. No amount of scotch, red wine, sex, food, shopping, or victim hat wearing made it better.
I was stuck with me.
Over the years, I hated myself for a variety of reasons. My height, my weight, my teeth, my back pain, my depression, my anxiety, my relationship choices, my job choices, my inability to be content or grateful, my addictions and unhealthy coping mechanisms. The list goes on.
It took me until my mid 30s to really turn the page on this. Not only was I undoing these core beliefs, but I was also unpacking all the social conditioning. To say I was a hot mess is an understatement.
It amazes me to think back to those times. I had nothing I wanted. There may have been pockets of time over those years that were enjoyable, but I wasn’t a happy person. I was barely content. I wore a mask. A mask that I learned to wear to hide behind so that people never knew anything.
What I’ve learned however is that there’s no point in blame, shame or judgement. There’s no helpful energy behind finger pointing whether at myself or someone else.
When I finally realized that the new year new me stuff,
could actually be a new minute new me choice, things felt different.
How could it be possible to not wait until a Monday to start a new habit or quit one?
What do you mean if I got present, I could choose the next best step in this moment for me?
When I took the pressure off of myself to be like everyone else and have this miraculous life changing list of New Year’s Resolutions, it felt calmer.
I reflect, adjust and heal regularly.
I am an active participant in my life daily.
I choose as best as I can in any given moment, and allow myself to be more free in those choices now.
The pain and pressure of this time of year doesn’t have to exist. No matter who is around you saying or doing whatever they are saying and doing, you still have the power to choose what you feel is best for you.
Healing, reflection, and any work I show up with in the world, is an art. It changes, it flows, and I no longer rebel or waste my time with these far reaching and unsustainable expectations (or resolutions).
I know that this moment is all that is, and that feels damn fine by me.