One of the things I used to do to bring me some level of sanity during the most challenging days of my past would be to go for a drive with the tunes cranked.
Truth is, it’s still one of my favourite things to do, to unwind.
Back then, it was my escape. I could clear my head, go anywhere, and when I felt ready I’d come back. Some days I fantasized about seeing how far I could get before things felt good and what my new name would be when I started over. I’d eventually chicken out and come back to the madness of my life, just a bit calmer.
The truth is I couldn’t possibly ever go far enough in those days to feel good. True good. Not fake good.
Now, true good, greets me every single day. My head is often clear, and I don’t remember when I last desired an escape like the days of the past.
I recognize that one of my guiding words is always “freedom”.
Freedom that I cultivate daily. My ‘now’ unwind drives often remind me of all the things I once dreamed of creating during those former escape drives, that are now in my life.
These reminders often make me this “thing” in my chest. Rising up, and it grips me.
Not just ordinary happiness, but the kind of happiness that brings tears to your eyes and gratitude through every cell in your body. True good happiness.
It may appear easy for me to sit here and write about this idea of true good happiness. To bring words to the page on how I’ve created my life from scratch. From pen to paper, visioning my life into existence. From my career, to my husband, to financial stability, and health.
It’s only easy for me to share it because I know it’s true and I know it’s possible for everyone.
But it wasn’t easy to make it happen, to get to these true-good-happiness moments.
The anxiety, the depression, the addictions, the fears, the not enough sleep, the arguments, the childhood challenges, the false beliefs, the systems, the paradigms, the drama, the pain, the so-called failures, the not-good-enough-ness, the sickness, the diets, the weight, the abuse, the workplaces, the schools, the mistakes, the insanity, the medication, the choices, the suicidal thoughts.
All of the madness has brought me to this moment and shown me the way. It was never a straight line paved with sunshine and glitter. There were twists and turns. Detours, sinkholes and every single detail of my life feeling like it was regularly under construction without any warning or caution signs.
I didn’t wake up after some rock bottom moment, or Angel vision or brilliant flash of light during a freak incident I which I found myself in a chat with Jesus or Satan. It’s been more like repeated experiences of “what the F**K” moments. That’s the truth. I was simply, doing life, the way I’d been shown to do it. The way I thought was the way to do it. Until I got sick of it. Until I got sick of the same old story, with the same old Heather driving the train to and through crazy town.
People will tell you that they saw glimmers of hope in me. Glimmers of direction, but I also know some saw a deeply troubled young woman even though she tried to hide her realities. Heather always had it together. No matter what. Except for when she didn’t. Which very few witnessed.
It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what you’ve done, who you think is to blame (there is no blame by the way), it can all change. It can all become brilliant, beautiful, and better.
Know this, your faith in what you can create, needs to be bigger than your faith in your doubts, troubles, and pain.
I’ve done it, I’m doing it. You can too.